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Just a vent. Why in the fuck am I always the person who has to… 
19th-Oct-2014 11:26 pm
flowers
Just a vent.

Why in the fuck am I always the person who has to initiate social interactions/meetings?  Am I that boring?

I'm getting an occasional white hair, and I've recently noticed a smile line wrinkle, and both of these things are really disturbing to me.  Vanity sucks.

Why am I always searching for something that I never find?  I know the answer is that God is the answer to everything, and I've got control freak tendencies that won't let me fully accept this on a spiritual level.

Devoting all of your time and energy to a child is really, really emotionally taxing.  I think it's compounded by the fact that I don't want to do anything to psychologically damage my child (which is impossible, really).  People with parents or siblings who live near enough to babysit should be thankful for such a thing.

My husband is deploying next year, and even though yes, I'll be fine, it would be nice for someone to say "if you need anything, I'm here for you."

I feel like Jane would benefit from a sibling, but I'm selfish.  Even though I firmly believe that staying home with her right now is the right thing, I look forward to going back to work once she's school-aged, and that time would be extended if I were to have another child.

I hate that I'm always expected to be the one in charge of fucking EVERYTHING, but somehow I create that dynamic in (almost) all of my relationships. I don't have the energy.

This is what certain childhood family dynamics will do to you. 
Comments 
20th-Oct-2014 06:19 pm (UTC)
Better to have smile lines than frown lines, and people go gray or white at such different ages, my maternal grandfather was completely gray before age 30 and my paternal grandmother who just passed at age 94 still wasn't all gray. My mom is like 75% gray and my dad is just starting to show a few. I could very well have a few but I'll get away with it longer. I'm getting lip lines from all this French horn playing. It is funny how having a baby atunes one to signs of aging lol! I'm not sure if we're having another one, or if we even would be able to, struggling with the idea also.
21st-Oct-2014 01:52 am (UTC)
I know for me, I can't stand wishy-washy indecisive people, so I sort of end up being in charge by default because nobody else will make a decision. In college if we all wanted to go somewhere and study it would turn into a half-hour long debate about the merits of Coffee Shop A vs. Coffee Shop B (and they were the only coffee shops within an hour's drive, so I don't see why it was such a big deal) unless I said, "I'm going to Coffee Shop A, who's with me?" It's kind of nice in a way, because without people like me nothing would ever get done if I may be so blunt, but yeah. I kinda get what you're talking about.

I have a couple of gray hairs and I'm only just 28. Even though I'm still quite a few years away from having to color my hair and even longer away from going completely gray, I'll admit to being very vain about my hair and I like my natural color and don't want to try to replicate it from a bottle.
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